


The meaning of each scar

by borntoshine



Series: Yullentide2019 [4]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen likes to strip, Kanda is a mess, M/M, Yullen Week 2019, Yullentide2019, really - Freeform, they're stupid, tsundere!Kanda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:22:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22070989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borntoshine/pseuds/borntoshine
Summary: In which Kanda gets scars for the first time and guilt almost consumes him inside.-----Yullentide 2019Prompt word:Cicatrize
Relationships: Kanda Yuu & Allen Walker, Kanda Yuu/Allen Walker
Series: Yullentide2019 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1575193
Comments: 18
Kudos: 103





	The meaning of each scar

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry I couldn't make it in time, but I will finish this Yullentide 2019 event even if we are now in 2020!
> 
> This was supposed to be a drabble, then Allen started to strip and Kanda went full "emotional wreck" mood and I couldn't stop them.
> 
> Find me on Twitter! @marheeve

Changing bandages has become a skill. Allen was fast to work on it, wrapping whatever piece of body in gauzes, the smell of strong alcohol of any sort always around to disinfect the wounds. It happened that he had to stitch himself to close big gashes at times, and that would usually hurt more than the wound itself.

After the last fight, he and Kanda had against three level-four akumas, both of them came out pretty damaged. Allen had received a few deep cuts on his legs, a shoulder was dislocated, and he had smashed his whole face against a wall. Kanda had suffered less bloody wounds overall, but on his back, he had his coat lacerated by a series of deep cuts. Kanda had complained more about the cloth than his body, dismissing the pain even while pouring alcohol directly on his back. They had made a mess of the hotel room rented for the night, and the staying prolonged for a couple of more nights because Allen was too beaten up to travel anywhere.

Allen was lying on the bed, bored, stomach quite tight with hunger, both waiting for dinner time so they could go down to the canteen to have a warm meal. He glanced at Kanda, sitting on the floor next to the bed, legs crossed and body resting against the wall in one of his meditation positions. His face was relaxed, long hair loose on rigid shoulders. Allen liked to observe him during those quiet times, because Kanda wouldn’t badmouth him, and couldn’t see him staring. If he noticed it, Kanda never mentioned it, so Allen gave himself the freedom to do so.

In the silence, Allen felt clearly a low grunt from the other, legs slightly shifting as he pressed harder against the wall. Only a minute after, Kanda sighed and stretched his neck nervously while he sneaked a hand behind his back for a few seconds, probably scratching himself. Allen watched as he resumed his previous position, eyes still closed, taking a deep breath and getting back to his meditation. Allen couldn’t help a small smile stretching his lips. Kanda had those very rare moments of childish behavior that Allen really liked to witness, like being annoyed by himself more often than not, even over something stupid like the new flavor of food he didn’t want to admit to like, or the need to scratch himself like this. Naïve moments that Allen really cherished, made him able to see a bit more behind the thick wall Kanda built between himself and the rest of the world. Somehow, Allen knew he was being welcomed on the other side, little by little, and he wouldn’t force the peace. He was content as they were.

Then Kanda sighed once again, this time the sound was louder and more annoyed as he moved to scratch his back again, legs shaking a bit with the torsion, having Allen frown. “What’s up?” he asked gently, rising on an elbow while lying on his side. After a few seconds, in which Kanda might have considered ignoring him to get back on meditation, he opened his eyes with a scowl planted on the face. “Not sure. I’m itchy,” he grunted rising to his feet. With a hand he touched his back again, trying to look over his shoulder with difficulty, probably though not being able to see whatever it was annoying him, so Allen sat at the edge of his bed and coughed a little, calling his attention. “Let me see?” he asked, not being able to refrain from turning a corner of his lips in a smirk. Kanda _hated_ being pampered, or even being at the center of the attention, especially _his_ attention. That, for a small gesture as it would be, was in the list of things Kanda would _hate._

It took a long silent minute for Kanda to turn to him after his question, he stopped dead whatever he was doing, and when they locked eyes, there was some weird expression Allen couldn’t decipher. He raised his brows and Kanda just stepped forward, quicker than Allen expected. He was about to leap from the bed to escape the possible attack, but Kanda spoke, keeping him still. “There’s something on my back. Under the skin, I can feel it.”

There was a weird edge on his voice, something almost alarmed. Panicked was definitely a too strong accent to the situation, but it was an attitude Allen wasn’t used to deal with when being with Kanda, so he dropped his smirk and tried to approach whatever it was bothering him with more gravity. “Ok, turn around, let me see,” he said, holding his arms out to grab the taller boy from his waist and guiding him to show his back. It wasn’t everyday Allen touched Kanda, and he had to force himself to ignore the shiver that run through his spine when fingers met the warmth radiating from the other’s body. It wasn’t a surprise, after all. Kanda was always complaining about being hot, Allen – instead – was always cold.

Kanda stayed silent as Allen patted the small of his back with his human hand, feeling some sort of ditch underneath the shirt, soft and not very big, and he frowned more when he felt a second one, longer than the first. “Well?!” Kanda hissed, his body tense. Allen noticed how his hands were closed in fists right next to his hips. “Uhm…” Allen bit his lips, pressing lightly on the bundle he felt under his fingers. “Not sure? Does it hurt?” he tried to ask, confused himself, and Kanda hissed a “No,” that didn’t convince him. “Tell me, if it hurts, idiot,” Allen argued and pulled the shirt out of his pants without even asking permission, expecting Kanda’s reaction when stepped away like if Allen had pinched him. “The hell beansprout?!” he growled, eyes flashing death threats at him, but Allen couldn’t ignore the faint blush that was spreading on his cheeks.

Biting down a mocking comment, Allen rolled his eyes once and sighed as if having to deal with a kid. “How I’m supposed to check what the hell you have there if you lie about what you feel _and_ don’t let me actually see it?” he asked holding his hands up for him in a harmless gesture. Kanda gritted his teeth and swallowed whatever piece of pride he had to bite off to get back on his steps. He didn’t say anything, just tugged at his shirt himself until he could peel it off his back, leaving it tangled between his forearms on the front, trapping strands of hair within the fabric.

It wasn’t certainly the first time Allen had seen him without his top but being this close – enough to feel the warmth of the milky skin Kanda so generously exposed to him like that – made his heart skip a beat. But he didn’t really have time to question it, because his eyes landed on the marks on his lower back and that left him surprised.

Where the wounds from the battle of three days before should have left nothing but faintly reddened skin after healing, sat two uneven keloids, angry red and still cicatrizing the cuts beneath the tender new skin.

“So, _what_ , beansprout?!” Kanda spat, turning his head to glare at the younger from above the shoulder, and Allen couldn’t do anything else but blink stupidly when meeting his eyes. He brought his hand again on the marks on Kanda’s back and this time grabbed the other’s hip with intent, to guide him closer. Kanda let out a low surprised sound, head once again facing forward, hair falling from his shoulder down the length of his back. Allen gently moved them away with his innocence, human hand again tracing the lines of the keloids, hot under the fingertips and tender as it looked. “You’re scarring,” he said slowly, surprised himself. And after staying that, when Kanda’s back stiffened, he understood the meaning of his words. Kanda’s healing ability was failing him.

“I’m… what?” Kanda asked, and one of his own hand appeared in Allen’s vision field, fingers seeking the marks. Allen gently guided him to feel them and could hear faint swearing leaving the taller boy’s lips. “Great,” Kanda muttered darkly, and in a flash, he had dressed himself again, moved away from Allen only to decide to turn around again and stand there helplessly, looking somehow lost.

Allen peeked at his face. Kanda did look distressed, a deep frown painted on his face and shoulders slightly hunched. “It’s the first time? The first scars?” Allen asks quietly, deciding though not to look at the other for the response. He knew the answer, after all, and he didn’t need to see him nod. “I know you’re surprised, Kanda,” he said again, biting on his lips uneasily. “But I’m sure you were expecting this to happen, soon or later?”

“I wasn’t expecting to get scars. I thought my healing would just meet a dead end and leave my corspe behind.”

Kanda words were sharp but completely honest. Allen _had_ to look at his face at that because there was something vulnerable in Kanda now, and it wasn’t fear of death. He wasn’t scared of losing his ability; whatever was passing through his mind was different. “I never got any scar. I see others with scars, and I see what scars remind people. I never had any to remind me of things that happened to,” Kanda murmured, once again there was a faint blush on his cheeks, and Allen realized what this really was about.

Kanda was getting _emotional_.

Allen had never thought about that before. Getting hurt had always resulted in some kind of marks for him, it was a given, like for anyone else. But not for Kanda. He had no mark on his body, no sign of the passing time or for any of the things that happened to him.

“The first time I saw your scars closely, it felt disgusting,” Kanda said again, searching for Allen’s eyes this time. The younger felt a pang of hurt pull his chest tight at the words and couldn’t hide that to show on his face. He could understand the feeling, but why would Kanda even say something like that? Unconsciously, he stroked his own chest all the way down to his stomach, until his hand rested on the awful scar left by Mugen on his abdomen. “Why would—” he tried to ask, taken aback, but Kanda shook his head, one of his hand moving behind to touch his new scars, probably.

“I feel sorry for thinking that, suddenly,” he murmured, frowning even deeper now. “I never realized scars aren’t a choice. I can’t imagine what you feel wearing all of yours.”

Allen blinked, lips parting in utter shock. Kanda apologizing was so out of place he was truly shaken, especially for something Allen didn’t even know about, and that Kanda himself brought up. “It’s just scars, Kanda—”

“Each scar tells things about someone or something that gave it to you,” he said again, and his gaze lowered on Allen’s abdomen as well. “I gave you one, and I did a hell of a mess with it.”

Allen was speechless. Wherever Kanda’s mind was swimming through right now, it was a dark place. Kanda didn’t need to voice the guilt Allen _knew_ he felt for stabbing him and awakening Nea inside him. Allen didn’t need words, didn’t need to hear it out loud. Kanda’s actions, his decision to stick to his side, his constant and not so subtle blanket of protection he covered Allen with, was enough. But Kanda speaking such words, Allen didn’t want at all.

“True,” the younger said then, a hand pressing down with more force on the scar on his abdomen, under the shirt. “Scars can be a constant reminder of the pain someone inflicted you. But for me, it’s not just that,” he said, watching Kanda so intensely that if before the boy had averted his gaze, now he felt called to stare back at him, meeting his eyes. Only when Allen was sure Kanda was waiting for more, looking at him with attention, he released a tiny smile. “Scars are also meaningful for me because each of them reminds me of something I did that makes me proud of my actions, or that gives me strength.”

Allen stood slowly while his hands unbuttoned the shirt he was wearing. Kanda didn’t move from his spot, so it took only a few steps for Allen to stand right in front of him with his shirt left now open on the front. He slid the cloth down his right shoulder to expose the biggest scar he owned. Allen knew he was putting on a show, but it felt so natural to reach and hold Kanda’s hand right now, he didn’t want to stop. Slowly, so that Kanda could have retracted if he wanted, he brought the other’s fingers on his chest, right on the large – _gross_ – scar that has disrupted half his body.

“This scar reminds me of many things. We found Timothy when I got this. We saved orphans together, when I got this.”  
Kanda’s fingers twitched under the gentle hold of Allen’s hand. His thumbs patted the raw skin, eyes chained to the scar. “I saw the Noah in you for a second when you go this scar—” “Shh!” Allen tugged at his wrist, a bright smile on his face to fight discomfort when Kanda looked up at him confused. “That’s not the point. Let me finish.”

To say that Kanda was bewildered would have been an understatement. Allen could read the tension on his face, the embarrassment also – from being that close, from having that conversation –, but Kanda didn’t step away. So, Allen dragged his fingers up, Kanda’s hand now covering almost all his face while he pressed the long fingers on the pentacle scar carved to his forehead. Kanda’s touch was delicate there, Allen didn’t add pressure and shivered when the boy slowly traced the line down his eyelid, swiping the cheek with his thumb. “I’m… not proud of this one,” Allen forced himself to say. It was harder to talk then, with his insides all twisted in shameful emotions and, for a moment, he regretted whatever he was doing. What even was the original purpose of it? Kanda’s hands had an unexpected effect on him. His brain was running slower.

“This isn’t just a scar, moyashi,” Kanda said for him, then. His voice was steady but barely strong enough to be heard, soaked in a strange softness Allen never heard from him. Pressing Kanda’s palm on his cheek, Allen shook his head a bit and released a nervous chuckle. “It’s not. But is the mark of the turning point. Without this scar, I wouldn’t be _me_. Without this scar, I wouldn’t have learnt the hard way how to stay strong with my purpose.” Allen shivered and had to look down because Kanda was staring at his face, he was too close, and before the urge to run grew stronger he had to detach himself at least a bit if he wanted to finish whatever show he had decided to give Kanda.

“Is because of this, that you saw Alma’s soul,” Kanda’s fingers moved to rub on the pentacle above his eyebrow as he whispered what Allen would have considered a question if he wasn’t sure that by now Kanda _knew_. He never told Allen directly, but the rare time Alma was mentioned in the past months they spent together, somehow Allen could feel that Kanda was aware of every detail from that day.  
“You saw that, and even after I stabbed you, you decided to save us. To save… me.” Kanda grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up and directly into his eyes again. Allen blinked, almost intimidated, but the soft look in Kanda’s eyes was telling him a different story. “I stabbed you, practically destroyed you… and still, you saved me.”

Biting his lips, Allen nodded. He pried Kanda’s hand from his face and brought it lower until he could press it on his abdomen. The scar there, left by Mugen, was ugly and still angry red. The outlines were messy, a low hollow at the center, there the blade had pierced, thicker on the outside where the infection had spread like venom, reacting to innocence. And Kanda shivered. He was shaken by a strong shudder, hand pressing even stronger on the patch of skin under Allen’s pressure, and his fingers ended up wrapping around the sharp dip of the boy’s hip bone.

For a short while, they just breathed in silence, close to each other – _too close_ –, and Kanda had his eyes closed. Allen was on edge, but he wouldn’t dare to break contact with the other’s face, waiting for anything, a sign, a single nod. But then Kanda bent forward until their forehead were pressed together, exhaling a breath that had been trapped for too long. With his heart beating like crazy, Allen found himself holding on Kanda’s free arm for balance, and only then he remembered what the purpose of that brought them to that point was.

“I’m sorry,” Allen whispered, “because it had to be you. I’m sorry they used you to wake Nea. I wish I could just erase whatever auto-destructive shit you’re thinking right now, Kanda.” Allen moved to hold on the older boy face with both hands, foreheads still pressed together, and when Kanda opened his eyes, there was a vulnerability in them that made Allen hold a whimper. Instead, he smiled, and his smile only grew wider at the sensation of Kanda’s fingers stroking the scar at his belly. “They would have found another way to wake whatever is inside of you,” Kanda said, and although Allen knew that such closeness between them was as new as embarrassing for both of them, Kanda didn’t show any uncomfortable sign at it, if not that quite gracious pink shade coloring the ridge of his nose and cheeks. Allen couldn’t stop himself from tracing that blush with both thumbs as he nodded. “But it was you. And the scar you left there reminds me of how lucky I’ve been because they miscalculated on you. They miscalculated on us. And now, at least, I know I have you next to me in this fight, Kanda. I’m not alone. I still have someone to hold on. And I still have you.” Allen sucked a breath in as words just erupted from his lips before he could filter them. “This scar doesn’t hurt. This scar is not _bad_. It’s _hope_. Do you get it?”

And still, he was smiling. His hands lowered to Kanda’s shoulders to melt some tension, while the other was still covering Allen’s scar with one hand and had the other discretely placed on the other side of his hip. Their position was ambiguous, and it wasn’t what Allen would have expected. But again, nothing of what happened that night was. Then, Kanda suddenly moved, and Allen’s face was pressed against the other’s sternum, a hand pressing hard on his nape, fingers tangled with his hair as Kanda wrapped the other arm around his waist. It was a hug, simple, candid, and the most meaningful gesture Kanda as ever gifted him.

“I get it,” Kanda murmured at his ear as he pressed their heads together, holding on Allen with a stronger grip. Nodding, Kanda repeated those words, and Allen gave in the hug, arms circling Kanda’s back while he let tension be washed away with affection. Relief filled his body with warmth, and for the first time after a long time, Allen felt content. He placed a hand on Kanda’s clothed scars, pressed gently on them, and Kanda shivered against him, not able to hide the natural reaction.

Then it was silent. Neither of them moved for a long time, their hug turned in a relaxed embrace, and Allen felt it easier to breathe. The feeling of Kanda’s heart beating against his chest gave him peace. It let Allen feel secure and alive at the same time, and before he could stop himself, he nuzzled his face against Kanda’s neck, a strand of dark hair ended up trapped between his lips and he _loved_ it. As in response, Kanda moved his fingers in a slow massage at the base of his neck and took a deep breath.

“If you bring this shit we’re doing right now up in any conversation, I’ll end you, beansprout. Got it?”

The words broke the silence like a sudden, sharp noise, but Allen chuckled at them. There was no surprise there in the way Kanda was trying to handle that situation. The self-consciousness and embarrassment Allen was feeling for the intimacy they were sharing, Kanda was feeling as well. So, he nodded against Kanda’s skin. “I got it.”

In response, Kanda only hugged him tighter.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked <3


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